Haribo Gummy Bears and the Military Meltdown
In this Gummy Segment, Jackie and Kashmir read one of the wildest Haribo Sugar-Free Gummy Bear reviews ever written — this time from a military supply NCO who weaponized the world’s most infamous candy against his own unit.
What starts as a petty boundary issue in the supply room turns into…
🚽 A full-blown “mysterious stomach bug”
🪖 Half a battalion running for the latrines
🤢 Pine-Sol, open windows, and IV bags everywhere
All because some people couldn’t keep their hands off a bowl of gummy bears.
The Setup: A Bowl of “Sweet Little Revenge Snacks”
The review Kashmir reads is titled:
“Performed Exactly as Advertised” — written by Jason on Christmas Eve, 2014.
The writer is a military supply noncommissioned officer, and he starts with one warning:
You never want to anger somebody in the supply chain — especially someone who is both creative and vindictive.
His biggest pet peeve?
Troops coming into his supply room and:
- touching things on his counter
- going through paperwork on his desk
- ignoring signs and boundaries
So what does he do?
He buys two bags of Haribo Sugar-Free Gummy Bears and pours them into a bowl — lovingly referred to as his “bowl of horror” and “brightly colored improvised colon explosive devices.”
He posts a sign:
“If you touch my stuff, you will be punished.”
They were warned.
They did not listen.
💣 The First Wave: Gabriel’s Trumpet in the Latrine
The NCO keeps an eye on his candy trap — taking mental notes of how full the bowl is each time he walks back into his office.
Right before lunch…
the fun begins.
His supply room is just one door down from the latrines.
He hears:
- a stall door slam open
- a sound he describes as “Gabriel’s trumpet escaping the sphincter” of one unfortunate soldier
- what follows is 30 minutes of chaos that he compares to a “live humpback whale being butchered by a blind man wielding a chainsaw.”
And that’s just the first guy.
Soon, a female troop from the indoor pistol range appears:
- pale
- sweating
- one hand on the wall
- one hand clutching her stomach
Praying she can make it to the restroom in time.
All for a handful of gummy bears.
By lunchtime, about half the bowl is gone.
While the NCO sits at his desk with an MRE-style brown bag lunch, the soundtrack of the day becomes:
- stalls slamming
- groaning
- flushing
- and what can only be described as the soundtrack to gastrointestinal judgment day
By the end of lunch:
- the smell has reached his door
- he’s grateful for years spent around infantry and bad odors
- one of his own supply “minions” hasn’t returned from lunch
He sends another soldier on a “possibly suicidal scouting mission” to the male latrine.
The missing troop?
Still in there.
The gummy bears are doing exactly what the Amazon reviews promised.
At 3:03 p.m., the order comes down:
The unit is being locked down for an emergency meeting.
The NCO already has a suspicion… but he shows up like everyone else.
- The Sergeant Major walks in looking like he hasn’t slept in 3 days.
- The Battalion XO comes in walking bow-legged, as if he’d been “intimately assaulted by a very insistent horse.”
They’re not okay.
Then the battalion surgeon drops the official verdict:
There might be a strange stomach bug going around.
- Roughly half the battalion is experiencing stomach cramps and
explosive diarrhea - It’s mostly hitting the headquarters company and the troops in the same building as the supply room
- The unit is now in cleaning mode and lockdown until this “bug” passes
Meanwhile, the real culprit?
A bowl of sugar-free Haribo sitting just a few doors away.
The Aftermath: Cleaning, IV Bags & “Mystery Illness”
Jackie and Kashmir read this ridiculous, detailed review and crack up at:
- the over-the-top metaphors
- the sheer chaos caused by one petty bowl of gummies
- the fact that leadership thought it was a virus and not a prank gone nuclear
But they also touch on a few real points:
- Boundaries matter — especially at work.
- People will test your rules just because they’re there.
- Actions have consequences… even if those consequences involve Haribo and industrial-strength air freshener.
And one final Gummy Segment reminder:
If a candy has hundreds of viral reviews describing explosive results…
Maybe don’t eat a handful of them before a long day on base.
📣 Join the Conversation
What Jackie & Kashmir Took Away
Have a hilarious party-food fail (or a gummy bear tale) of your own?
Text us at 757-756-7487 or email connect@theknowbuddies757.com — we might feature it in a future Gummy Bears!
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